Superman Returns: a critic’s review
By Lydel White
Superman Returns: the movie and soon to be released DVD.

Spoiler Alert: Warning! If you have yet to see this Crappy-ass movie, consider yourself lucky. Some statements may reveal situations.

Before I get started, let me assure you that I am a huge Superman fan. I grew up on Superman comic books, Cartoons, TV shows and toys. He represented the ultimate in heroes, displaying the admirable attributes of strength, courage, integrity, purpose and compassion.

Yes, compassion. He thought first and foremost of others, to the point of self-sacrifice.

The term ‘Superman’ has been deified into the ultimate hero, far surpassing the expectations of Friedrich Nietzsche himself.

The Superman sigil (or insignia) is one of the most recognizable symbols in the world. There’s hardly a place on the planet where it isn’t known.

You can’t keep a good man (or Superman) down.
…Or can you?

I went to the theater to see “Superman Returns”, expecting a grand adventure. What I got instead was to look at a movie that sucked the fur off the Donkey’s Balls.

Is it me or was the lead actor the most effeminate version to date, this scrawny specimen had the charisma of a trash bag full of dead mice, not to mention that the plot was as weak as Herbal Tea and a feeble rehash of the Richard Donner film.

Mind you, the aforementioned film had a few problems as well, i.e.: Otis!

I mean, if Luthor were to hire henchmen, they would be ruthless thugs, not some bumbling asshole that was as useful as a bicycle to a fish.
…I know, comedy relief…

But come on! Wesley Snipes’ Blade proved that kind of distraction was totally unnecessary in a comic-book based movie.

I had a problem that this ‘Superman’ was a cowardly Pussy who up-and-left the world without a peep, even to his mother! If that scene DID happen, it must have been left on the cutting room floor.

Another thing, if he were missing for five long years, Lex Luthor wouldn’t have remained hidden all that time, awaiting Superman’s return.
…Some genius, huh?

After the first major disaster that the Big ‘S’ didn’t appear to thwart, it would’ve been obvious to any three year old that he’s gone! Within six months, Lex Luthor would be King of the world!

Okay. So this Super-sap returns like a thief in the night and spends days mewling like a pussy about what to do. Apparently, he must’ve left his BALLS back on Krypton!!!

The difference between Richard Donner and Christopher Reeve’s Superman and Bryan Singer and Brandon Routh’s ‘Singerman’ is as obvious as a horse on a housetop!

His first crisis is Lois Lane in trouble. Gee, imagine that?! The plane that she is in is piggybacking an experimental shuttle, which malfunctions due to Lex’s fuck-up.

Singerman wrestles with the craft and eventually breaks it free. He then flies it into space, escorting it like a virgin prom date. Its rockets are going full blast, showing that it can take care of itself, while the jet with the terrified Lois Lane spirals out of control.

Man of Steel with a head up ass!

The REAL Superman would’ve broken the shuttle free and gave it a gentle nudge, all the while working on saving the jet.

Another inconsistent point was that Singerman had trouble with the jet. This movie bragged that he was faster, stronger and better than before. This movie was supposed to take place after Superman 2 and 3, yet he hadn’t learned anything new or even remembered anything from is past?

Here’s the first major spoiler:
A jet plane gave Singerman a hard time, yet near the end of the movie he lifts an island the size of Texas into space…and this hunk of rock is littered with Kryptonite!!!

Not to mention that he still had some slivers of the ‘glowing’ green rock stuck in his back. I mention ‘glowing’ sarcastically. I’ve seen Heineken bottles glow more than the kryptonite in this movie!

In Donner’s Superman, he made you believe that a man could fly. Every time Chris Reeve took to the skies, it was a wonder to behold! When he caught Lois Lane in one hand and the helicopter in the other, there was no doubt that you were looking at SUPERMAN!

The CGI (computer generated imaging) felt lackluster and lost the grandeur. The characters were pale imitations of themselves. I don’t ever remember Superman being a mumble-mouthed, insecure pussy, yes, PUSSY!

After being sucker-punched by Lex and the thugs began beating him like a two-dollar-mule, Singerman crawled away through mud puddles like a pussy before he was grabbed by his cape and dragged back for another ass-whupping.

Thank you, Bryan Singer for telling the world that without his Super powers, this global icon is nothing but a coward!

Try to remember that in the second movie, he fought three foes that had the same powers, toe-to-toe. That was a great fight! He didn’t run until he realized the civilian casualties were mounting. Even then, it was part of his plan to lead them to where he had the home-court advantage.

This movie felt like a very bad version of ‘Smallville’ with costumes.

Bryan Singer’s Superman, which I call ‘Singerman’, was an insecure crybaby. He couldn’t handle the pressure of being Superman, so he ran away.His feelings were hurt and he winced like a scolded puppy every time Lois’ voice raised an octave or two. And I’m talking about when he was Singerman, not Clark Get-Bent.

Hey asshole! Didn’t you learn anything from Jonathan Kent or even Jor-El?!?

It seems that Singer never bothered to read the comics or watch the cartoons. His decision to make the sigil smaller was an insult, especially when you find out that it was to make the spindly actor appear to have a big chest.

No. The ‘S’ is to be worn loud and proud!
Florescent blue and rust brown is not the color of Superman, and he does NOT wear a krptonian thong or a padded suit!!

To Me, it felt like he had a problem in tying all the Superman threads together from the past. Kinda like Tim Burton’s Batman, where he totally lost the point. Batman was not your average fat, sloppy wiener who relied on his costume and gadgets and who never did a push-up or sit-up in his life.

Singerman was an emotional wreck. Didn’t he spend 12 years in the Fortress of Solitude honing his powers and abilities and learning all about himself and his Kryptonian heritage??? Plus, you’s figure that after the time when Zod and crew invaded the fortress, Singerman would’ve put up the old ‘Sloman Shield’?

I found it better that you create your own, that way you can do whatever the hell you want with them. But this movie was an overt slap to the face to any and every Superman fan. But I suppose the real blame should fall on the assholes that hired him in the first place.

Perhaps he didn’t understand the real objective of Richard Donner, to bring US into Superman’s world, rather than bring Singerman into OURS. Our world is a dull and scary place. Singerman lived in our world and it was depressing, considering how stupid the people were. I kinda got the impression that he didn’t like Singerman by the way he was handled. Hercules of legend was a drunken Asshole, but even he still got his fanfare!

I felt like a carnivore watching a movie trying to convert me into a Vegan!

Today’s generation don’t care that much for a perfect Superman. Perfect is boring, rather than inspirational.

Bryan Singer’s solution: let’s make him into a stalking, crybaby, deadbeat dad!

Yes: a deadbeat dad!

Lois Lane had given birth to their child and for the five years of his absence, she raised him by herself.
Singerman became a stalker when he stood outside her home and spied on her in the dark, while she was with her new family.

Although Christopher Reeve was the perfect embodiment of the Man of Steel, others, including Dean Cain, George Reeves, Bud Collier, Tim Daly and others always gave him a confident resounding voice, letting you know when they were around, every thing was going to be all right!

This mealy-mouthed motherfucker had you watching your own ass, because you weren’t too sure that he would save it.

Lois finally received a Pulitzer Prize for trashing Singerman and telling the world that we didn’t need him. Who gave her the Pulitzer, Roy Orbison

The premise was that the world had gotten along without him and resented the fact that he pussed-out on us. This fact wasn’t realized until he was admitted into the boondock hospital. No one threw a rotten tomato at him and shouted ‘Get outta here, ya Bum!’

Well, no one but Lois, in her own way… and maybe the animal hospital he was admitted into was a sign of passive aggression…Yeah, we’ll fix his Ass. Run away in our times of need, and when you return, we’ll give you Shitty service! Put him in the worst hospital we can find…Which would make the world a bunch of two faced hypocrites after he saved everybody from Luthor…

Apparently the world still needed him, because nothing monumental happened in his absence.
But then, the shit didn’t hit the fan until after he retuned…

All other elements were the same, from Miss Teschmacher to the flying around the world ending, but ‘Singerman returns’ was a faded carbon copy of a great original.

Bryan Singer was trying to remake Superman in his own version, ripping off Richard Donner. Which prompts the monumental question: If Donner’s Superman was so great, why the hell didn’t they just hire him in the first fucking place?!?

Singerman’s world held no wonder or scope. The flight sequences felt like ‘second thoughts’, the impossible was ordinary.

The proof was in the hospital sequence.
…after Singerman tossed the Kryptonite Mountain into space and fell to Earth, he was taken to a hospital, not the best that this world had to offer, but some place that was a step above a ‘Dog and Cat Clinic’.

By the way, did he toss the mountain into deep space or just in Geo-stationary orbit until some other bad guy decides to use it? And if getting a ‘Quickie Sun Tan’ was the answer to Kryptonite, then it was never really a problem, was it?

Now, I took in consideration that Singerman may be the only superhero in this world. There was no mention of the Flash, Batman, (Batman Begins: which was a far superior movie rather than those shitty Tim Burton films) the Justice League or even Supergirl. Henceforth, the super science research facility of Star Labs would also be absent.

But come on now, Singerman should’ve been given the best accommodations. Instead, he got a bare room with his costume balled up in a chair. In this Hospital, he was treated no better than a street person who choked on a rancid chicken nugget!!!!

Not on a mannequin, or a hanger for proud display, but casually crumpled in a chair!

This was a person, nay, a HERO who saved the world from Lex Luthor’s nefarious plans, much less from General Zod and who knows what else.

Where were the FBI agents or the Secret Service agents tasked for his protection, much less the world’s greatest surgeons?

Where were the floral displays from the President of the United States, the British Prime Minister, The Pope, The Russian Premier and the Emperor of Japan? Hell, I would’ve settled for a crayon drawing from the local retard wishing Singerman a fast recovery.

But I guess the world leaders had more important things to do, like watching the latest episode of ‘Survivor’ or ‘Gilligan’s Island’ reruns.

This movie sucked dog dick so badly that I actually felt sorry for the dog!

Chris Reeve’s Superman delivered Lex to the prison, resolving the problem. When he flew off telling the warden ‘Don’t thank me, we’re both on the same team’, you couldn’t help but well up with pride as he soared into space and the music blared triumphantly.

On the other hand, when Singerman told Lois that he’ll always be around, it sounded more like an apology, as if he were caught spying on her while she was on the toilet.

Which, in summation, is where this movie belongs.
If you want to see a Great Superman movie, rent or buy the first two Christopher Reeve flicks.

When ‘Singerman Returns’ comes to a video store near you, avoid this stinker of a Dog Turd. I wasted ten bucks and two hours of my life, which I’ll never get back. Don’t make the same mistake!

But then again, you may like eating dogshit on a cracker.

That’s why ice cream shops are so successful. Not everyone likes the same flavor Ice Cream.

…And there will be some of you who may be offended by my review. That’s okay too, We are ALL entitled to our opinions, and this is merely MINE…