indiana jones movie review

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
By I.B. Wachin


Now, after 19-20 years, a new Indiana Jones movie finally hits the screens of America, possibly the world. Despite the mixed feelings that I have over it, I would still see it again because it ended (supposedly) the saga and brought the characters to a full circle.

Although the movie can be touted as good, clean fun, there were still moments throughout that had me immediately dusting off my ethnocentric soapbox and bristling.

Be warned that this review will have spoilers, even thought I will try to be as cryptic as possible…I still would tell you to see the movie.

To be honest, this movie knocked the bad taste of the last movie, ‘Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade’ out of the running for final flick of the series. Last Crusade, in my opinion, licked the wrinkles out of Elephant scrotum and I will never forgive Lucas and Spielberg for turning Indy into an incompetent, Pussified, Bumble-fuck ‘Daddy’s boy’. I may not remember the details of the movie (mainly because I choose not to) but I can’t let go of the anger, disappointment and pain of it, kinda like the first trip to the Dentist to get a painful tooth extracted. Let me say that ‘Last Crusade’ ruined it for me. A friend of mine didn’t like ‘Temple of Doom’ but what does she know, she’s a girl? (Just kidding!!!!)

I can say that in this latest installment, Indy grew his balls back.

Like a classic Jonny Quest episode, we start with the hero already in the midst of his enemies, up to his chin in shit. Rather than Nazis, this time it’s the Russians, or the ‘Ruskies’. The time has jumped ahead to the ‘Cold War Era’; long after the axis has been crushed. This is the time of ‘Fonzie and his ilk, roadsters, Elvis, sock hops et cetera. Black people were slowly being created, but I guess segregation played a large part of why you didn’t see too many of us, even in the areas where we were supposed to be. But if they want you to suspend our beliefs for the ending they could’ve given us a few things for too. How about the college being Tuskegee University or Chuck Berry, Little Richard or Cubby Checker music in the beginning. I would’ve settled for some black guides or henchmen. Like I said, a little bit more since you want us to believe this ‘Tarzan bullshit’.

Anyway, the new threat has risen and has crept upon American soil. With this comes an aged and seasoned Indiana Jones. I’m not sure if I can buy a 60-plus man swinging on a whip, crashing through windows, taking and giving an ass-whuppin’ to a totally in shape-man, half his age and out-running heathen savages without once saying the classic Danny Glover/Lethal Weapon line of “I’m too old for this shit!’

In the first movie, Indy says something in those lines, showing his dings and bruises, but now, much older, no such thing comes to mind? Okay, so the movie’s a cartoon. Once you understand that, you can sit back and enjoy. If you get that, things won’t bother you as much.

Like the fact that we were in ‘our place’ back in the day, and haven’t as of yet been released to roam the plains. Don’t get me wrong: there were a few scenes in which one or two of us appeared, but you have to know where to look and not to blink.

To be honest, I would’ve loved to see a black kid play Shia Labeouf part. He would’ve added an element of surprise and a plot twist, giving us an inkling and debut of a new black (or ethnic) adventurer in training.

Plus, (spoiler alert!) to find out that his mother was Marion Ravenwood, that in itself would have caused racial tension between Indy and his first love and for the son he never had. That she married and gave birth for a black man definitely would give them a major obstacle to overcome.

And to be honest, it was as obvious as a turd on a wedding cake that Shia, or ‘Mutt’ as he was called, was Indiana’s son. (Surprise!!!)

The plot was rather cliché and rather formulaic, much like the Star Wars sagas while all the villains were practically cookie-cut stereotypes.

There were traces of American Graffiti, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, E.T. and Tarzan. Some would call them ‘Homage’.

Yes, Tarzan.

I don’t just mean the ’White man comes to a savage land and is treated as a God’, much less ‘He knows more of the land than the people who have lived there for generations’, either.

I’m speaking of the Mutt segment when he gets entangled in the vines and he instantaneously transforms into Tarzan of the Apes! All the monkeys (who have never seen a white man before) know in their little monkey hearts that he is a good white man and that they must help him in his fight against the evil Russians! And they don’t fuck with the people indiscriminately, no; they know exactly whom they’re supposed to fuck up! Don’t you just love South American, patriotic monkeys? After all, we have to emphasize the ‘American’ in ‘South American monkeys, don’t we?

Those monkeys were smart. Smarter, in fact, than the natives who attacked Indy and crew.

The graveyard scene was short lived and disappointing. The skull-masked men gave a brief show of capoeira but because of stupidity or being afflicted with ‘glass-jaws’ I realized that the monkeys were more effective. A punch to the face ended their supposed threat. I guess ‘Good old fashion Fisticuffs’ is the only was to go in a foreign land, even in the hands of the big Russian who was beating Indy like he owed him money. But I found that the stamina of a 60 year old man can beat the shit out of a trained agent half his age every time! If that’s the case, then, Hell, I can’t wait to turn 60 myself!

Indiana Jones had ‘The Life’!

It sure as shit beat the hell out of being a temple savage. Their lives consisted of clinging to walls and ceilings, covered in plaster or cement and waiting for intruders. Unless these guys had some special magic or training or were being punished for some unspeakable crime, no one in their right mind would volunteer for this job. Let me shovel animal dung or wrangle monkeys instead. To wait for intruders, much less white people sounds like a fool’s errand. These people lived in an unknown part of the jungle, for God’s sake! And there was only one freaking way in or out!

To sit motionless for even an hour would have me beyond pissed, so the first intruder I saw would’ve gotten a rock upside their head, with or without a Crystal Skull. I’m mad, cramped up, covered in hard shit and you’re gonna trespass on sacred grounds? No, I’m just gonna have to Fuck you up! And I’m not alone.

Speaking of which, were the hell was the chief, the big Kahuna who marshaled the forces, the guy who was supposed to tell everyone to lower their spears and accept the white men with the Crystal skull? Wasn’t he supposed to lead them through the labyrinth after they passed the test? I mean, if MY people had safeguarded some secret for generations, I’d like to know why and for whom I encased my people in concrete.

But I guess the chief was smarter than Indy, and me ‘cause he was nowhere to be seen. He may have gotten his people to haul-ass into the forest before the shit hit the fan, Everybody knows that once white people show up, everybody’s gonna get fucked up if you stay.

Oh, by the way, Thanks Indy, for getting our sacred homes sucked up into some inter-dimensional black hole. The appropriate end to that adventure should’ve been a horde of angry savages running them out of the jungle with spears and arrows. But then, maybe they got sucked into the vortex too…

So, after the E.T. send-off, I wondered where were the F.B.I. agents who suspected Indy of treason? After escaping certain death at ground zero, the agency made it clear that they didn’t trust him. Knowing that he was cavorting with Russian agents and practically calling him a traitor, they really should’ve assigned trailing agents 24-7.

Anyway, the story never truly deviated from the formula, and to many, that was a good thing. I tried to dispel logic during the waterfall sequences, looking at it as a precursor to a new Universal studios water ride.

I must say that they did a good job on Karen Allen. She still looked good after all these years.

So yeah, I would recommend this movie. At worst, to end the saga on a better note than ‘Last Crusade’ and at best, to be entertained.